I love how Tumblr teaches us how to be perfect criminals.
Also, if you’re burying a full body, make sure you bury them vertically. Satellites orbiting earth look for holes that are approx. 6ft long because that’s suspicious. Ideally though, drain your body of fluids in a tub ((mix fluids with bleach and let them soak before draining and take precautions to keep your house from smelling like death from your sink and whatnot. Draining the body also keeps decomp at bay a bit and makes it easier to portion)) and cut it to bits. It’s easier to bury a head than a whole body, and takes less time so you don’t have to tell your neighbors, “Oh, I’m night gardening!”
Also, if a dog happens across it, it’s more likely it will devour a single body part than all of your ex-husband.
Another method is to put it into a septic tank. They’re a plethora of bacteria, and the smell of waste covers the smell of decomposition very well.
You should also destroy all teeth, massacre the face and burn fingerprints/remove finger tips to keep from identifying by anything other than DNA.
…I didn’t come up with these ideas, just what I’ve gleaned from reading on the internet.
i used to joke about Tumblr teaching us how to get away with murder, but fuck, man
the thing is when i see this i want to go kill a man just because i have the knowledge
Remember when you’re at the crime scene to wipe down all surfaces and then take the victims hands and touch things with them. Pick up cups and run the hands along table tops. A room with zero fingerprints is very suspicious.
If you live near the ocean you can drain the body and cut up the cadaver into small pieces then mix it all together with fish parts and dispose of it easily by pretending to chum the water for fish and sharks. Actually do chum the water a bit before dumping in your victim to be sure there are plenty of hungry fish around. Stick around and fish for a while so anyone who happens to see you won’t get suspicious. This way you don’t have any body parts lying around waiting to be dug up and identified. Plus you might catch a marlin or something.
PLUS YOU MIGHT CATCH A MARLIN
I AFDGFHGKJHKHGFDSF I AM DONE
Don’t forget that the chances of being caught are greatly reduced if you murder someone who has no connection to you at all. Most murderers end up killing someone they know in some fashion, so they’re easily caught. Serial killers kill at random, hence why they can kill a lot before they screw up.
I am not a serial killer, honest.
I am seriously concerned for all of you
please don’t judge me for tagging this for future reference, IT’S FOR PURELY FICTIONAL PURPOSES OK
I’M PRETTY SURE THE NEXT TIME I SEE THIS POST, ADVICE ON BURYING BODIES WILL ADD UP UNTIL IT SUFFICES TO BE COMPILED AS A HANDBOOK
How to kill a bitch: a guide by tumblr
I have watched an episode of American Horror Story.
I still watch Spongebob Squarepants.
I hate horror films.
I love horror films.
I prefer comedy over horror.
I prefer horror over comedy.
I have watched an episode of a TV show in the last 24 hours.
It’s currently night.
It’s currently morning.
I’m supposed to be sleeping.
I’m procrastinating right now.
I’d rather read than watch a movie.
I am excited for something coming up.
I do a lot of bolding surveys.
I think I will smoke when I’m older.
I have tattoos.
I have no tattoos.
I have tattoos but I regret them.
I have no tattoos but I want some.
I have a friend who smokes.
I have an eating disorder.
I have self harmed.
I have been diagnosed with depression.
I hate when people self-diagnose themselves with depression.
I have been sad for ages but I have never been diagnosed with depression.
I’m wearing my pajamas right now.
I’m wearing something white.
I’m wearing something blue.
I’m wearing something black.
I’m wearing something red.
I’ve been shopping in the last 24 hours.
I have filmed a video in the last 24 hours.
I have a YouTube account and I upload videos.
I have a YouTube account but I don’t upload videos.
I am listening to music right now.
I have vomited from crying so much before.
I have been given a gift in the last 24 hours.
I have given someone a gift in the last 24 hours.
My birthday is in December.
My birthday is in April.
My birthday is in June.
I have an iPhone.
I have had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend.
I have never had a relationship.
I’m single & I don’t want a relationship.
I’m happy right now.
I’m sad right now.
I’ve been in a fight in the last week.
I’ve been to the cinemas in the last week.
I am a Christian.
I attend church.
I have a bible.
I’m an atheist.
I don’t know what I believe in yet.
I don’t have a belief in anything, I just go with whatever.
I’ve seen an animated movie in the last week.
I’ve seen a horror movie in the last week.
I’ve met someone famous.
I’ve met a singer.
I’ve met an actress.
I’ve met an actor.
I’ve met a YouTuber.
I’ve met a band.
I’ve met an author.
I’ve met a script writer.
I’ve met a cast of a tv show.
I’ve been on a tv show.
I’ve been on tv.
I love British accents.
I love Irish accents.
I hate Irish accents.
I hate British accents.
I live in America.
I live in Australia.
I don’t like the school I am attending right now.
I don’t like my country.
I love the school I am attending right now. (just hate the people in it)
I have one all-time favourite song.
I’ve been to several concerts.
I’ve been to no concerts.
I really want something right now.
I have no money.
I have more than $/£20 currently.
I have a job.
I want a job.
I don’t have a job.
I have a favourite actor.
I have several favourite actors.
I have one favourite movie.
I play Xbox.
I play Playstation.
I play on the PC.
I play video games a lot.
I hate chocolate.
I have allergies.
I love cats.
I have let someone use me.
I have let someone hurt me.
I say ‘LOL’ out loud.
I am wearing a dress right now.
I have disappointed myself in the last 24 hours.
I have cried in the last 5 hours.
I have cried myself to sleep in the last week.
I have had coffee recently.
I am wearing makeup right now.
I don’t wear makeup.
I prefer boots to converse.
I have the new iPhone.
There’s rubbish around me right now.
I am currently on my phone.
I am currently on my laptop.
There’s more than 2 tabs open on my laptop right now.
A YouTube video has made me cry before.
I cry a lot.
I hate crying.
I still watch Disney.
I love Friends, the TV show.
I watched Skins.
I have a Facebook.
I have an Instagram account.
I have ask.fm.
I don’t go on Omegle and I don’t see the big deal of it.
I like Mario and Luigi.
I don’t mind Ke$ha.
I wear a lot of makeup.
I am older than 20.
I am younger than 18.
I have a driving license.
I have school tomorrow.
It’s currently Summer.
It’s currently Winter.
I hate Winter.
I hate Summer.
I want to finish this survey soon.
I love surveys.
I’ve been single for more than 4 years currently.
I’ve been in a relationship lasting for longer than 1 year.
I’m in High School.
I’m in College/University.
I laugh a lot.
I’m serious when I want to be.
I love quotes.
I have bolded these 100% truthfully.
"As a woman, I know you’re young but you gotta hear it now,the most valuable part about you is your brain. Get an education,don’t let anybody tell you that your body or the size that you wear or any of that bullshit matters because it doesn’t. Your brain matters, so be the smart girl in the room because to be funny you have to be smart, because you have to get the joke."
Roses are red
And true love is rare
Booty booty booty booty
brooke davis appreciation week »
day four: favorite heartbreaking moments
Life kicks you around sometimes. It scares you and it beats you up, but there’s a day when you realize that you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior. You’re tougher than anything it throws your way.
July 13th, Sophia Bush and Kate Walsh at NBC Universal press tour - All Star party, in Los Angeles, CA
I just had a straight guy tell me “Gah I love lesbians” and before I could even say anything, he added, “because, ya know, they like the same thing I do and sometimes it’s nice to get advice from a girl instead of guys who think making love is just repeatedly putting your dick in something, ya know?” And I have never been more proud of the human race.
i was very mad and then i wasn’t
reasons why you should be following avi kaplan on twitter